Checking In

How hard was this week? I mean truly how really difficult was this week for y'all? I spent a lot of this week doing check ins and seeing where people are at, really. This post is about check ins and why it is so important that we do them if we can. It's a sad indication of where we are as a society that when you google "what are check-ins" the first page you get is how to do them effectively as part of a work place culture. It is sad how things that usually would be part supportive interpersonal relationships are first framed as something that has to be part of creating more efficient and productive work spaces, in a way that excludes the human and focuses on the capital.

I have folk that I check in with on a fairly regular basis. Some I do via Twitter DM, others via text, but I try to make sure that I keep in touch with these folk at least every other day, so that they know that I am thinking of them, and that I genuinely care what is going on in their worlds. Sometimes just a simple "checking in" will do as a reminder that there is someone out there who cares about you, that there is someone out there who remembers that you exists, cares that you exists, and that you mean a lot to them.

Sometimes when you don't have enough space and you would need to be checked in on yourself, that is the time when those checking ins may be more difficult. That was me this week. I still did my check ins, I still sent my "how are you really?" because I really did want to know how they were, and I truly did not want to get the trite I'm fine or okay that people think other people expect back. It's like when you are somewhere and see someone you have not seen in a while, or an acquaintance and they say "hey how are you?" you know they are expecting "fine how are you?" or "hey nice to see you how are you?" or maybe they just said it because that has been the normalized thing to say and they walk away before even listening for the answer.

Sometimes you need space to be held for those check ins. When I taught in the Assaulted Women's and Children's Counsellor/Advocate program, I would start every class with a check in. Folk could share what they felt comfortable sharing. I didn't call anyone out, it was an open space, and some shared, some didn't because they didn't want to or didn't feel like the space could hold what they wanted to share. And that is fine, but it was the fact that the space was there in the first place that matters. I still do some kind of check in with my students at the beginning of class now, and I hold space after class for that as well if they need it. The need to hold these spaces in a real way is so important right now, and it is often disregarded because folk get worried that holding of space will take up "curricular content" time as though the students' authentic experiences and needs should somehow be separate from the curriculum.

This is how we get to Google pages filled with CEO advice on how to check in with productivity in mind that forget the human in the check in. And how you get spaces that are supposed to be for checking in, but become anything but that because people in the space are not invested in the real need for a check in or don't even know what that is. Sometimes people really need a check in, not a passing in the hall, not a quick Zoom call, a real, I am here, I am present, I am listening, check in. And the problem is that right now a lot of the people who are usually holding that space for folk can't because they need it held for themselves, they are hurting too. And because reciprocation is seemingly impossible anymore, which is what causes all the community/collective distinctions I talked about last week, and why we are in year 3 plus of a pandemic, some folk are struggling with that tension of their own care needs and the care and listening that others need. This tension is really real right now in academe, where students are needing support just as much as instructors and staff are needing support. 

Some folk can't stop or won't stop doing that holding and "care"ful outreach because others need care and they know that too many times they have experienced lack of care themselves, and they wouldn't want other people to feel that way, ever. And sometimes when others can't hold spaces for you virtually or literally, then you have to turn to the words and the books that do. So I am finishing this now, so I can spend another weekend in bed, this time re-reading Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha's Care Work: Dreaming Disability Justice (opens in a new tab) and listening to the Yeah Yeah Yeah's Zero (opens in a new tab) on 100 volume because honestly Karen O just knows things that live in folks' souls. And maybe if you can spend some time thinking about how check ins can work in your classes, or even in your lives, and if you have the space, check in on someone you haven't in a while, I guarantee they will appreciate it. 

P.S. I never do post-scriptums but I will now. A lot of people say to me that they don't know where I find the energy or how I keep doing the advocacy that I do like I have some sort of infinite well of rage I can pull from or that I am not always hyperaware of my positionality and how that plays into everything I can do and choose to do. Just because I don't necessarily talk about my needs doesn't mean I don't have any. I guess I felt that this was important to say because some folk with a bunch more privilege than me don't know how to use theirs in a way that doesn't punch down. And if you thought that this week was the week to do that punching on a queer disabled person, then your timing sucks too.