Exhaustion

 The etymology of exhaustion is from the Latin and refers to “drawing off strength” (etymology online) you know like an exhaust pipe. Now if that does not refer to the pedagogical situation we find ourselves in at the moment I don’t know what does. We have set it up so that everyone that is in a “caring profession” such as health care workers, educators, social service workers is on track for a burn out way before December.

As I write this blog I can feel the deep exhaustion in me. It’s not like I did a lot yesterday or even today to be this tired, for example yesterday I did a bit of laundry, I read a great book by Leanne Betasamosake Simpson, I listened to a roundtable by the ArQuives, I watched 3 episodes about tacos on Netflix, and I listened to a podcast. That is it. That is all I did yesterday. But I am exhausted. 

I am exhausted because my sleep pattern is a disaster. I am exhausted because my mind never stops for a second. I am exhausted because even if I do not respond to them on the weekend, emails keep coming in and I am processing my list of to dos and responses. I am exhausted because I am deeply worried about some friends at the moment, two of which live far away. I am exhausted because social media reminds me everyday what a dumpster fire the world is. I am exhausted because screens are competing for my attention every second of every day. I am exhausted because I want folk to feel supported and I am always thinking about what I can do to support folk further. 

And all of my exhaustion is certainly premised by the privilege I have as well. I don’t have children that I have to worry or think about in terms of supporting their safety and education. I am at the moment employed and have constant shelter. I have food in my space. If I didn’t have one or more of these things I would have even more reason for exhaustion. But this is not exhaustion olympics and thinking that way does no one any good. The fact that we are all, in our own ways, so very tired, is an indication of how 2020 is collectively kicking all of our butts. And we are, for the most of us, only starting week 4 of the school year.  

Sunday is my writing day. I am working on two articles at the moment with colleagues, one which is due on Wednesday. I spent time working on the other one this morning which is due towards the middle of the month and to be honest I didn’t add much to it because 1. I am exhausted and 2. I need to talk to my colleague about next steps tomorrow. I am writing this blog as I wait for my other colleague to finish adding things to the article that’s due in a few days so I can review and start the conclusion. But guess what, she is exhausted, and so am I. I have the privilege of stopping after I write a few things in that article. She has to go on to more lesson planning- pushing through exhaustion. When these articles are in I have another one I am excited to start with a colleague in the states, however, we will do this with an understanding of limits and boundaries because it is an article about accessibility and modelling is important. 

And this exhaustion is embodied. My neck is tight, I wake up with muscle pains in my chest. My jaw is in permanent lock-down 24/7 like it is the embodiment of COVID restrictions.  I have heard of painful necks needing heating pads, of heart palpitations, of eye twitches. Exhaustion embodied. 

I keep thinking there has to be a different way to do this. A way that does not sacrifice our bodies and souls to this educational endeavour. I keep thinking there has to be a better way that we can support each other through this because all of the ways don’t seem to be working at the moment.  I would write more about this, I could maybe brainstorm some sort of solutions, but right now I can’t because I am exhausted and maybe naming that tired is the first step.