Cannot Will Not Should Not Compartmentalize

So it has been again over a month since I have written a blog and I guess again I can blame my hectic work life that does not really allow for a lot of balance at the moment. However, I have been thinking a lot about a lot of different things over the past month-they just have not been able to be related in blog form. Which is probably a blessing for you the readers but not so much a great thing for me because I have a nice mind-map of interconnected concepts floating around my head.

                I have also started writing more poetry than I have in the past few years which has been a good way for me to get the thoughts out in a different format- UDL and such. Most of my verses come out at about 2-4am when I should be sleeping but I wake up to some sound or another. I used to write a lot of poetry in my teens and twenties. Then in my late twenties and thirties I stopped because well, grad school, and my focus moved to another kind of writing aesthetic and structure.

                This brings up the concept that I have been thinking about the most and it was reinforced by a tweet I saw a couple of days ago which talked about the importance of “humanizing” ourselves as professors/instructors/teachers and not help reinforce that sort of romantic stereotype of what an academic or a professor is in relation to our positions in institutions of higher education and the way that can translate to our life outside of those institutions. Well I have a lot of thoughts about that…

                The other day there was a lot of back and forth about an article that described the MLA conference in a certain way. Words like anti-intellectual discourse started floating around and responses were quickly written. I am not going to tread into that discussion in any depth because I feel I have an “unpopular opinion” about that article but I want to focus on the stereotype of professorial and academic discourse and how that positions folk.

                I always want my work to be accessible. I have never been one to wade into deep theoretical waters in my writing because I want to be able to have conversations with others about what I am working on- not just be part of an academic echo-chamber. I want my work to be relatable- practical with pedagogical use. I have never felt that this makes me less of an academic though I know for a fact that others see me that way exactly because of this. That and also the fact that I have worked at colleges a lot (though I have also worked at universities- but somehow that is easily erased, my collegeness superseding my universityness). So when I read tweets about the importance of reinforcing that teaching or being a professor is just a “job” and that when we get home we are not a professor 24/7- I ask- let’s think about the privilege of being able to shed a professorial or academic “mantle” and how those who can compartmentalize in that way are the ones who are often at a university and not a college. That aesthetic of university professor sticks much more than college professor and though I like to think that is changing, it’s not changing enough and not as fast as it should.

                So I refuse to compartmentalize for that reason (college academic being some sort of oxymoron for some, and taking off that mantle leads to-see not serious academic- points finger). I also refuse to compartmentalize because I actually can’t and that is completely okay. I am so hard wired for academe that I sometimes feel uncomfortable in other spaces. What does hard wired for academe mean for me exactly? It means that my “spare time” (again a privileged term) is spent reading and finding ways to apply what I read to pedagogical spaces. It means that I have a certain fashion aesthetic that means I feel extremely uncomfortable if I am not wearing a blazer of some sort. Not a sweater, a blazer- and I’ve written about this before. It means that I don’t sleep at night because I am always trying to find connections to things and replaying opportunities in my mind to make things more accessible, more inclusive.  Is this necessarily healthy, no, is this what it is, yes. Am I actually recreating a stereotype by upholding that my life is an academic stereotype? Maybe, but I know what makes me feel comfortable and what I am passionate about and that is pedagogical theory and inclusive practices, and I am always asking myself who is not represented and what voices are missing, and how we can address the systems and change them to make them more accessible. This is why many folk don’t sleep, because there’s so much to do to enact change and yes it feels overwhelming.

                A few years ago I was at a party and a friend asked me what I do for fun. That was possibly the hardest question I have had to answer in many a year. Because the answer was read- but that was quickly followed up with “no, I mean for fun, not for work, for fun, don’t you have fun?” And I just stood there confused- “but reading is fun for me.” They would not take that as answer, and I just walked away from the conversation because there was really nothing more to say in that moment. I own my nerd, and I know that is what I’m about and I don’t ever expect others to be about what I am about. I respect what you do for fun, just like you should ultimately respect what I do for fun- even if it doesn’t seem fun to you. You bungee jump on the weekends, great, awesome, that sounds petrifying to me, but I know it’s fun to you and I respect that.

                So at the end of the day, I cannot will not should not compartmentalize. That means I am me in my workspace, just as much as I am me in my home space (and this has been very difficult for me lately to be honest). Compartmentalizing is a systemic issue and rallying against having to do it is also understanding that it is a very very privileged stance. There are many folk who can’t be themselves at work because of the very real danger of being fired for exactly that (eg. LGBTQ teachers in a Catholic School Board). I say this cause I’m tired…I’m tired of systems that dictate that a certain person has to be a certain thing in a certain space.  So this is my no compartmentalizing declaration if you will. I spent the long weekend reading ani difranco’s memoir and today I am going to do all of the academic to do’s that are on my list for all the projects that I am working on outside of my 9to5- because that’s what makes me happy, that’s what reminds me of the importance of finding and creating communities where we can.  My hope for all of us is that we can just be us where we find ourselves to be. I need to get that printed on a t-shirt I think.