Losing Momentum

I hit a bit of a mental roadblock yesterday. It could be due to me being so focused on creating checklists and checking things off that I took it to the natural conclusion of “what happens if you don’t check anything off?” It could also be because this semester is very much an adjustment period for me. Not being in the classroom is very different and I think I’m still trying to decide what to do with my evenings so that I feel both accomplished and rewarded.

I talk a lot about my residual grad school demon and let me tell you that demon is very real. Whenever I don’t check something off the list I hear it creep “you are wasting time” “you need to be more productive” “advance something forward.”

I’ve even taken to adding small things to my to do’s like “pick up free newspaper” so that it can give me sense of accomplishment.

Last night though I accomplished nothing. I mean nothing I could check off a list. I didn’t write, I didn’t read, I didn’t watch a documentary on education on Netflix. I did none of that- and it upset me. A lot.

I tried to think through why I was upset, what it is about that demon that really makes it creep up and I think it’s about momentum and what happens when you lose it. 

I have been cruising along at a rather steady clip for a month now. I worked 12 days straight and then had the labour day long weekend and then worked 11 days straight again. Then Monday came and I was all set to keep up that momentum but something felt different, and I think it was actually tiredness, tiredness that I tried to ignore. So I wrote more blog posts, read a book, watched a documentary, tried to keep up the pace, the normal. But it didn’t really work- the momentum was gone. 

And it’s also the end of September which is a time when the shiny new of the school year becomes the reality of midterms, papers, and “ I have to read how many pages for Monday?” Momentum is slipping away and we need to try to reclaim it. 

There’s mindfulness and that helps. I am not trying to advocate for go go go all the time but I know that I run on high momentum and thrive on that to do list. I also know that I need time to myself sometimes, to recharge batteries, to lay in a hammock and think, to stare out a window. This time to think is a privilege and not everyone has that privilege.  Sometimes go go go is the only way all the things get done done done especially if you have responsibilities like family, an ill friend or parent, many part-time jobs to make rent payments and eat. So that’s the quandary- knowing that thinking time or downtime is a privilege, that losing momentum for a bit may actually beneficial, and the competing tension that losing momentum affects mood, emotions, productivity, work. 

So now what? I’m not sure. I’m attending a conference for next 3 days so that will be another kind of momentum, another space, another understanding of time. Maybe I need to switch up the momentum - and maybe that’s just fine.